The Why Fact.

Why do you need people in your life, when you actually don’t need them. Why do you want things from them when you actually don’t want those things from them. Why is it so important to give importance to people who are not at all important. Why do you try to make people happy when they can be happy even if you don’t try. Why do you not do what you want to do. Why do you do what you don’t want to. Why do you want to be with people when you don’t want to be with them. Why don’t you ask yourself the questions that you need to ask. Why are you happy when you don’t have to be. Why are you not happy when you have to be. Why do you cry when you don’t have to. Why don’t you cry when you have to. Why do you want to be different when you are perfectly fine in being not different. Why can’t you be crazy when you can be. Why don’t you feel bored when you should be. Why do you seek happiness when without sadness there is no importance of happiness. Why do you still want to be free when you were born free. Why are you not in love with yourself when you are the only person who can love yourself selflessly. Why do you need to express when you need to be expressionless. Why do you have to speak when you don’t have to speak. Why is silence not as important as words. Why do you prefer lips instead of eyes, to express. Why do you have to ask so many questions when everything does not needs to be questioned.

Why have I not used question marks, when all that I have asked is questions. Why do I have to use question marks for all the questions that I ask?

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Its time to belong..

-Gauri?

*Hmm?

-So, why are you still not talking to me? All I see is, you spending n amount of time with Sayali and others.

*umm.. so you are waiting for me to take the initiative & talk to you as if nothing happened?

-I thought the issue was over.

*Oh..I dint realize that.. if you could please remind me the moment..

-the face book comments, made me believe that we were ok with each other.

*I don’t know..well..never thought this way.

-look, m trying to get even when it comes to us.. I know some things can’t change, but I feel you just change your path when you see me approaching.. be it verbal or physical. May I know what’s going on in your mind?  These last few days, I’ve seen you all smiling and happy with everyone but me. When it comes to me, you go still..non responsive..

*I feel better this way..I don’t feel bad this way..all I am trying to do is manage things on my own..so that I am able to avoid my own feelings about us. I obviously would have to make efforts for accepting something/someone who is mine, but only legally and not in any other way. I don’t want to bother you with me. M ok. I really am.

-But I am not so ok about this.

*Why?

-I don’t know. May be cz m trying and m not getting any response.

*Sulk for a few days and you’ll know how to manage. That’s what I did. Trust me, we really can manage after sulking and fretting about an issue for a few days.

-I feel alone. I want to belong.

*Wrong. You are not alone, you have her with you, always. Don’t you? You already belong to her, then why do you want to belong? I don’t have anyone to cling on to. I don’t have anyone to look up to when I need them. I don’t have anyone who looks after me the way she looks after you even when she is not here. I sometimes wonder what she feels about you. Pity for you being left alone?  Anger for remarrying? Happy about you being remarried?  Mixed emotions? Wants you to be with her?

*I had to give up what I wanted, not you. I was forced to find my happiness elsewhere. You already have her to share everything. Don’t you? You wanted your daughter to be happy, I am here to make that sure. You also wanted yourself to be carefree, and you made sure that you don’t let her go, from your memories, from your heart, from your soul, from your mind, from your whole being! Why do you feel alone? Why do you feel the need to belong? if you can’t let go of your past, of the people who are no more alive, you can’t belong to the present..you cant belong to me..or Sayali for that matter!!

Saying this, she went away. Vinay was left alone standing at the bedpost, staring at the wind chime that was making tinkling noise, trying to break the silence that filled his heart .

Gauri was right. He couldn’t belong to her if he could not let Aisha go. Aisha was his past, and was not going to come.. ever. Gauri was his present and she was the one who could make him happy and his life worth living..forever.

Hours ticked along.

With the first rays of sun that fell on his eyes and filled his heart with a warmth that was long lost, Vinay decided that he had sulked all that he wanted to..that it was time to move on now..to find his happiness in his present. He wont feed on the memories all his life. He wont push Gauri away from him. She had lost herself in his world just to make him happy..to give him what he wanted. The least he could do was to belong..to her.

With renewed peace in his mind and shine in his eyes, Smiles took over! 

PS : This was a conversation that I had going in my head. Vinay and Gauri have always been my companions. Since long. I talk to them for hours..usually at night. Its always them, if its not books. I know that expecting a meeting with imaginary people in my head is almost impossible, but I still would like to meet them someday. This is the first time I’ve have penned down the rare arguments that they have with each other. I just hope you find them as interesting as I do.

Alright. Gotta go. Its Saturday.. err… Not that I have a rocking social life or something, its just some silly chores that are to be looked after. You guys take care and have a nice weekend! 

No name post 3.. or 4? whatever..

What do I want to do with my life?

I am confused about this. I actually know a little..but not the whole. I love reading, I love writing, I love art(i don’t know much about it..in fact i know nothing about it), I love travelling. I want to write.I dont know what, as yet..but I want to write. I want to do something with pens, papers, words and thoughts. Handling humans is the toughest job I tell you. Animals are much much much better than us humans.

This is frustrating.

I love English. I love words. Well, I am not satisfied with whatever I am doing currently, my family, myself. I.AM.NOT.HAPPY. And this Christmas all I want is.. to drown myself in books and books and books! I so wish that this comes true. I don’t usually have any wishes from Santa Claus.. but this time I’d really want this wish to come true. I don’t want to be out partying or trying to pretend that I am really enjoying the day. I want to do something that makes me happy. Only one word. Books. They make me happy. I don’t know how to cope us with this.. but no matter how hard I try to keep myself occupied with other things, I don’t seem to be able to satiate my soul. Hmm.. so, headache happens when I think too much without coming to conclusion.

I still dont know what I want to do. I just wish I end up doing something good to my life!!

TC People…Merry Christmas!

I’m drawing boxes and rectangles.

Hmm.. Yeah. I do that all the time. In my mind. On the paper. Anywhere. Everywhere. I sometimes wonder why I don’t draw circles. May be cz they require curves. Curves are tough..somehow. Tough as in they are not straight. They require efforts and skills. Skills need use of brains. Use of brains involve a lot of thinking that is restricted only till curves..till something that ends according to itself and does not leaves any scope for further strikes.  Somehow it does not make me feel free or complete or empty. So, I draw boxes and rectangles.

With boxes and rectangles, its easy. I use straight lines. We all do. I make a box, and when its complete..I repeatedly complete the same box. I don’t need to make a new box or some new object to complete it, meaning I do not need to make any extra efforts and I feel non-stressed..self ruling in a way. You see, drawing boxes and rectangles is easy. It makes one feel liberated. I sometimes rub them lines so much that it tears the page. The thought process blasts. Finally.

Now..I make them drawings almost all the time. In my mind. Rarely on paper. Actually, I need to have my own time when drawing on paper. And it should be random, spontaneous. Unplanned is better. Unplanned is what works. When working also, I draw them(again, in my mind). I cant wait for solitude to draw them. I draw them again, at night when I go to bed. This is the time when it goes uninterrupted. While making patterns and rubbing the lines repeatedly I get so may thoughts at one time. I keep on rubbing the lines, I keep on thinking, thinking, then brushing away some thoughts, making space for new reflections, sometimes smiling, sometimes sulking, at times crying away and many a times letting them linger on. The lines become darker. This all exhausts me. And empties my mind. When the pages finally stop taking in the rubbings and give away, I let sleep take over. A dreamless one. I love dreamless sleeps.

Ha! Drawing boxes is fun..interesting..exhausting..liberating. Do that. Free yourself once in a day..so that you are able to move on to the next!

Tc  Always!!

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Insanity. That is what the world needs today. Yes.

She waited and waited and waited. No one came. She drank innumerable cups of coffee. No one came. She collected herself and moved out. As she stepped out, twilight welcomed her. Breathing in the evening breeze that bought along with it, a faint scent of lilacs and roses. Ahh..this was refreshing. It cleared her mind a little. She started walking. She kept walking. She still had some distance to cover before reaching her home. Enjoying the cool breeze and setting sun, she decided she could savor it while she could. Slowing down a little, she took a look around. What she saw was, what she hadn’t noticed till now was, that, the road that daily took her home was lined by trees on both sides. They were laden with yellow and orange  flowers, the gentle wind caressing them was making them blush and glow in the dim light. She smiled. After a long time. She stood there, under the lamp post, watching around..people went on. Some nodded at her, some smiled and some frowned..haha..she laughed at that old man who seemed to disapprove of a girl standing alone. He was cute. She waited. No one came. After a while, she moved on. It was getting cold now. It looked like snowfall was about to begin. She now wanted to get home as soon as possible. Still, she took her own time reaching home.

Amid all this, she somehow forgot about the so called date that was supposed to happen that eve. It was going to be their last meet, where they decided to end their relation, a relation that had taken the shape of burden. It was time that they set each other free. Well, he did not come. He must’v been busy. The last date could not happen. All those previous times,when he got late, she would call his cellphone endless times till he came. But today, she just waited. And, no one came. She left.

As she had anticipated, it had started to snow. Usually she didn’t like snow. But today she welcomed it. The snowflakes had decorated her enough when she reached her apartment. Switching on the lights, she sat on the couch. The same couch where they had made love many a times. That was over now. She felt nothing. After a long long time her home felt inviting, warm and peaceful. She slowly got up and sliding curtains, opened the window.

Night, lights and snowfall. It looked lovely. She smiled. Again. Past 3 years reeled in her mind. She felt something, that lasted for some 5 secs. She closed her eyes. Nothing mattered anymore. No more wait, no more issues, no more meets to solve those issues. She had let go. She felt free.

Her phone rang. Repeatedly. But she was more engrossed in the song that was playing behind, Someone like you by Adele.

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.”
Love happens, Love hurts, Love ends. Life begins…

No name post (3)

Now.. Just why do you feel bad if I am not responding the way you wish me to? I dont want to respond you in your way. Why should I? AND..if I am not behaving as per your standards..its none of your problems..Ok? Its wholly and solely my problem. You are no where responsible for this.

People get sad..they sulk.. they create scene.. they cry ..they fight… but then what all that people do is not always your problem no? They should be left alone …on their own.. at least for some time. They were the ones who got into this mess..so they should be..and they ARE the only ones who can solve their problems. No matter how much you try to manipulate them or make them think that their life is a bowl of cherries all the time.. they wont even listen to you. They wont.. cz they dont want your advice. They dont want you to become impatient and sulk more than them..and that too when the problem is theirs. If you cant listen or understand them..then please, dont bury your nose in their business.. AND.. dont blame yourself again.. about their sorry condition there after. Cz no one’s going to look after you if you also open your box of self created woes.

Thanks!

PS : This post is created as a result of dealing with so many such people who in place of consoling me, try and make me lead my life as per their advice. They try to burden me with favors..unnecessarily. I cant stand such people. I want them to take care f their own business and leave me alone. I know how to handle myself.. I know my mistakes and I know how to correct them..!

no name post – 2

I don’t know.. but I am restless.. I am..yes I am.. lets figure it out..mm.. so yes.. I saw something.. and I felt bad about it. What did i see? I saw someone bitching about me. That someone is the one who is kind of close to me. I actually never expected this.. but I also don’t trust them totally. For some anonymity reasons..lets call that someone as ABC. ok? hmm.ok. So.. i saw this ABC bitching something about me.. i don’t know that something.. but they were definitely saying something about me.. and I dint feel good about this. Now.. I may sound immature.. but how would you feel.. if you trust a person at least 80% , you share almost everything with them.. and then they do like this? hmm? bad no? that’s what.. i also felt bad. I am restless . What i don’t understand is ..why do people pretend. Why??? ABC pretends as if they are always right. In reality.. I am highly irritated because of ABC. ABC is just too complaining.. too smart(even when smartness is not needed), always finding fault with every silly and non-silly thing..and the list goes on. I kind of hate them. I secretly wish that ABC learns a lesson for their doings. Double faced bitch.. that’s what she is!! Yes!!

I don’t care as such. But still its moving on in my mind.. Attachments lead to heartbreaks..may be not immediately.. but one day they definitely show their true colors. I mean i know you would say something optimistic about attachments.. but I never got anything good out f them. Honestly. may b i don’t deserve the goodness.. but all in all.. at some point of your life..even you would agree that they make you weak and you are not ready to face the sudden loss. Just like the one i faced today. I am in no position to stand up and tell that person about her deed.. at the same time I’d like to vent it all and also that she gets to know that she can never be a good friend, that she cant be relied upon..ever. I’ve lost my faith in her. Anyways.. I should get used to this now. Its not the first time.. and it surely wont be the last. So..I should just leave it. Yes.I should. Just so that i get back my piece of peace of mind back!!! Tc people.